Into You
by Eli Malfoy-Black
Summary: (Super-long-one-shot) Begins when Sam disappears at the diner. I've tweaked events a lot, and added a couple OCs in around the end. Destiel pairing. Extremely slow burn. (Cuz I'm a bitch, lmao ) Rated T for language.


BEFORE THE FALL

He tapped his fingers on the wheel, watching Sam go inside the diner. Dean really wanted pie, any kind would do, and if he didn't buy any this time, Sam would soon learn how terrifying older siblings could be. It wasn't until he looked up and saw no movement inside the diner that he knew something had just gone terribly wrong. Hell, he couldn't even see _anyone_ inside. It was still brightly lit, a cheerful façade.

And Sam was nowhere to be found.

XXX

The weird vision seizure Dean had clued Bobby in to where Sam had been taken. They hightailed it to the ghost town as fast as they could, Dean's gut churning with anxiety and guilt. Anxious that something would happen, and guilty that he'd failed to protect his baby brother.

XXX

Now…now he wanted to howl at the sky. He wanted to scream his grief into the wind. He wanted to take his revenge, slowly and painfully, killing that evil, yellow-eyed son of a bitch.

Sammy lay dead in his arms. That black soldier, Dean didn't know his name, had knifed him in the back before Dean could reach them.

"No!" was all Dean could say as the nightmare unfolded before him, sprinting as fast as he could, horror shaking him to his core as Sam stumbled a couple steps, pitching to his knees.

There was no way Dean would let Sam's life end like this.

XXX

Sam refused to understand.

There was no loophole, nothing.

If Dean canceled the demon deal he'd made, Sam would drop dead. Nothing would ever make him go back on that deal. Sam deserved to live. He deserved to breathe fresh air, have the possibility of finding another woman to fall in love with, to laugh with, to get married to, have their two point five kids and a dog; a house in the suburbs. Finish college, and become that kick-ass lawyer he'd always dreamed about.

Dean?

He didn't deserve anything he had, let alone anything more. No, everything normal and safe, that was for Sam.

Dean deserved to go to Hell. He knew it, deep inside his soul, he could feel the truth of the thought.

"Dean, I'm not gonna let you do this," Sam's words broke through his self-loathing thoughts.

 _You can't stop me_. Sam read the words so clearly in his brother's tortured, yet determined gaze. "Sam, I'm not talking about this anymore. It's over and done with."

As far as Dean was concerned, there was nothing more to say.

XXX

Being beaten and thrown against walls by demons? Walk in the park.

Hellhounds ripping him to shreds, letting him bleed out on the floor in front of his little brother? Breath of fresh air.

But this…this was a new level of pain, new level of torment. This was agony, ripping through every cell, every molecule, every _atom_ of his being. No, his fucking _soul_. He had no body down here. He never knew souls could be mangled like this, but he was quickly learning.

There were periods of time where the demons let him wallow in the dark and silence. Isolation was now one of his worst nightmares. Sometimes, he couldn't tell which was worse: being utterly alone or tortured till he couldn't scream anymore.

At least with torture, he wasn't alone.

Took him a while to be able to remember the demon's name through all the pain. _Alastair_ , he finally recalled.

"Good, Dean, good," the demon – Alastair – smiled proudly, as of Dean were a child and had brought home an excellent report card. "Keep that up. Remember everything."

But he didn't want to. He wanted off that damn rack, he wanted out of this Hell hole, and he wanted to sink his fist in that smug demon's face.

Picasso with a razor, heh, his nickname suited him to a 'T'. He could feel the so-called 'art' being ripped into his soul. Alastair would study his work, click his tongue, then rip another way, drawing another scream from Dean's throat.

How long had he been down here? It was too hard to focus, to keep track of time. It could've been years, centuries. Or it could have just been a few minutes. Dean couldn't tell, and it hurt too much to think.

Sam…Sammy…his brother, he remembered with a jolt. Was Sam ok? Was he still trying to save Dean?

"C'mon, Dean-o," Alastair crooned, using two fingers to lift Dean's chin up, forcing their gazes to meet. "You listening to me? I'm offering you a chance to get off the rack. All you gotta do is pick up my razor, and begin where I left off."

Dean stared at him, his mind going off in thousands of different directions at once. Torture…souls? Human souls? For what? Was he allowed to stop whenever he wanted?

He instantly felt disgusted with himself. Why was he even considering it? He was a Hunter, not a torturer, and certainly not a demon. He knew, without a doubt, that if he gave in, he would become one of those bitches. He would be nothing but black smoke.

"Shove it up your ass, Alastair," he managed to sneer, turning away.

The 'art' was resumed, and Dean couldn't hold back the screams this time.

XXX

 _Sorry, Sammy, I'm so sorry…_

He had gotten off the rack.

God forgive him, he had gotten off that rack.

XXX

 _His grave._

He couldn't stop staring at it. He'd been buried? He and Sam had been taught to burn dead bodies, so demons couldn't happen along and possess the poor dead bastard. Sam was lucky Dean's body hadn't met the same fate.

Dean experimentally flexed his fingers, staring at them as if he'd never seen such appendages before.

Who had brought him back? And why?

Dean's brow furrowed slightly as he struggled to remember his last moments in Hell. It was all a bit blurry, but he vaguely recollected this burning, white light coming from nowhere, yet everywhere. Yet, the light was as soothing as it was terrifying. He knew it wouldn't hurt him, though he couldn't find a reason why he knew, he just knew.

He sighed, shoving his hands in his jean pockets. It was time to find Sam, demand some answers. He wanted to know what price Sam had paid to bring him back.

And kick his ass for paying it.

THE FALL

"There is no such thing," Dean forced himself to say, though everything in him screamed to shut up and kneel before this terrifying yet breath-taking being that had saved him.

As soon as the Angel had thrown the building's huge doors open, with his friggin power, and walked inside, the hand-shaped burn on Dean's shoulder started to throb. Dean recognized the blue eyes, unable to remember where he'd seen them before. But he still knew without a doubt that those were the eyes of his rescuer.

This Angel had brought him back from Hell.

"This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith."

The building shook as Castiel spread his wings, though Dean could only see the shadows on the wall of the building.

 _No faith…right._ Dean was struggling just to stay upright, to not fall to his knees. That just wasn't his way. Plus, he was pretty sure the Angel would tell him it was blasphemy, that only God should be bowed to, etc.

Dean had never seen such terrifying beauty.

He mentally punched himself. Even if it was in his head, chick flick moments were _not_ allowed.

XXX

His breath kept hitching in his chest every time those hypnotizing blue eyes were swung his way. He felt like prey, caught in a predator's grasp. There was no way he could look away, and just stared back into Cas's blue eyes.

Castiel was a mouthful. Cas suited the Angel much better in Dean's opinion.

Sam complained time to time about the staring, but Dean would just brush him off. What could he say? 'Sam, your brother is having a gay moment,' or 'Sam, sorry, but I'm trying to kill the small crush I have on a certain Heavenly being,' or, his personal _favorite_ -haha- 'Sam, I'm in love with the Angel. I'm going to Hell. Again.'

Yeah, that would go over like a friggin ton of bricks.

Not that Dean ever planned on telling Sam. Or Cas. Or even doing anything about the absurd stuff he was feeling. Nothing good would come of it, he knew that much was certain.

Nothing ever good happened for Dean, and even in the rare moments it did, something came along to destroy it, and a piece of him along with it. Better to just ignore it and keep Cas around longer.

No need to put another guy in danger.

XXX

Cas was the Terminator, except in Angel form.

The only part that downright sucked? He was bashing _Dean's_ face in.

Why did he ever think saying 'Yes' to Michael was a good idea?

XXX

Sam was gone.

So was Adam.

His brothers: gone. With Michael and Lucifer riding them the whole way to the cage.

Dean stayed where he was, sitting against the Impala for a few more seconds, unwilling to take his gaze away from the spot where his brothers had fallen.

Then he was moving, crawling, tears forcing their way out of his swollen eyes and down his bruised and cut cheeks, the salt stinging the wounds. He gasped a breath, fighting back sobs as he reached out one shaky hand to grasp the four horsemen's rings. He settled into a kneeling position, staring down at the key to the cage.

His lackluster promise not to open the cage to save Sam echoed through his head.

He was tempted. Oh, boy, was he _tempted_. But he'd given his word, willing or not, so Sam was down there to stay. And Adam.

Shit, what had Adam done to deserve this? Death by ghouls was bad enough. But then those asshole Angels, those dicks with wings, had resurrected him and he had taken Dean's place as Michael's vessel.

What had his family done to deserve any of this?

He felt a presence come up beside him. Turning his head, he was floored to see Cas, _alive_. Lucifer had snapped his fingers, making Cas explode not ten minutes ago.

 _He was alive._

Dean hadn't quite lost everything.

"Cas," he mumbled, his words garbled. He knew Lucifer had done a number on his face. Punching Dean in the mouth had caused his teeth to horribly cut up the inside of his mouth, so it was difficult to speak.

Cas didn't speak, merely pressed two gentle fingers to Dean's head.

Instantly, the pain was gone, and he could see clearly. Dean didn't even bother lifting a hand to touch his face. He knew Cas had healed him.

But how?

"My powers returned when I was brought back."

Ah. That explained it.

Dean watched as Cas walked over to Bobby. Kneeling down beside the still form, he touched two fingers to Bobby's forehead. With a gasp, Bobby's eyes opened, and he sat up.

Dean had Cas _and_ Bobby back. His world, so dark and empty two seconds before, now had a soft glow of life. He wasn't alone.

Then reality crashed in again, leaving him in the pitch black.

Sam was gone.

XXX

He didn't go to Lisa.

He didn't even go down her street, past her house, to see if she was doing okay.

He'd already disrupted her life enough. He'd disrupted too many people's lives as it was.

No, he was only going to keep part of his promise: leave Sam in the cage. But he wasn't going to even think about trying to live with Lisa and Ben.

So here he was, pretending to listen to the over-enthusiastic realty agent chatter on about the quaintness of the little two-bedroom house he was looking through. One floor, with a stairway to the attic, small root cellar of a basement, one full bathroom and one half-bathroom, a decent-sized living room, a workable kitchen, the two bedrooms, and one extra room that was so small, Dean wasn't sure what it was for.

He stood in the doorway, gazing around the small room, lips pursed as he thought, when he realized that it was the perfect room to put all his Hunter crap in. He studied the door. Yes, a few deadbolts to keep anybody out would work.

He turned and smiled as pleasantly as he could at the beaming redheaded woman, and said those three little words that would change his life:

"I'll take it."

XXX

It was a few weeks before the house finally felt like Dean belonged.

He lay on his bed in the back bedroom, gazing unseeing up at the ceiling, hands under his head as he thought about getting a job. He needed something to fill his time, and the money he'd made from hustling pool wouldn't last forever.

He frowned. The house was missing something…but what? He had clothes, furniture, even went out and got himself a huge bookshelf and filled it with books. One shelf he couldn't help dedicating to Angel lore. But the other shelves were full of "normal" books: Harry Potter, car manuals, joke books, "Dummies" books, and even an old Bible he'd picked up on a whim while perusing a yard sale the other day.

He'd noticed the people across the street having the yard sale, and walked over without really giving it much thought. The Bible wasn't needed, but he felt an odd comfort having it in the house.

Yet, he still felt like something was missing…

XXX

Seven months passed before he felt that familiar prickly sensation on the back of his neck.

Dean kept raking the leaves in the backyard as if nothing was wrong, though his eyes were darting about as his chest tightened in hope that it was who he thought it was. The sensation grew stronger, and Dean grew more confident that Cas had come back to check on him.

"Hey, Cas," he said softly, not turning around. He bet the Angel was standing right behind him. "Long time no see."

Silence. Then a familiar, "Hello, Dean."

XXX

It didn't take long to convince Cas to stay a while. The Angel was obviously confused about why Dean lived alone, but he didn't question it. Especially since Dean was adamant that it was what he wanted.

Dean pointed out the extra bedroom, jokingly offering to turn it into a room for Cas to use whenever he came to visit.

"Why would I need a room, Dean? Angels do not require sleep."

Dean swallowed hard at that damn adorable head tilt Cas always did when he looked at Dean. "Dude, if you don't want the room, just say so. Just figured you'd like a place of your own, y'know," he mumbled, turning away so Cas couldn't see the uncertainty, the dejection in Dean's eyes. "I wouldn't bother you while you were in there."

He could feel Cas's burning gaze on his back as he spoke. "I know that wasn't easy for you to offer, Dean. I would be pleased to accept having my own room here."

"Okay," Dean nodded. "Great. Hey," he whirled, grinning in excitement at Cas. "Wanna watch a movie?"

XXX

Cas came and went, always making sure he didn't startle Dean. Soon, the two moved around each other comfortably, like breathing. It was so natural.

Dean had recently gotten a job as a mechanic, working long hours, so he wasn't always there when Cas popped in. The Angel just went to his room and waited patiently until he heard the front door open and close. Then he would pop to the living room, sitting on the couch, ready with a welcoming smile for Dean.

Dean _always_ smiled back.

The Angel wasn't sure why, but he felt a surge of warmth whenever that smile was directed at him.

XXX

This time, Cas popped in with a smile already on his face. But Dean wasn't there. Cas looked around the living room, brow furrowing in confusion. He knew Dean didn't have work today, and he had wonderful news for the ex-Hunter.

"Dean?" he called softly.

He heard something thud against the wall in Dean's bedroom. He stared at the closed door, unable to guess what was going on. Something shattered, spurring Cas into hurrying to the door, wrenching it open.

Dean was hunched over on his knees, silently sobbing, arms wrapped so tight around his middle it was a wonder he could breathe. Books and clothes were strewn about, porcelain shards lying everywhere around Dean. Cas's eyes flickered to the calendar on the wall.

It was then he understood.

It was a year ago that day Sam and Adam fell into the cage with Michael and Lucifer.

Cas was by Dean's side, pulling him close, murmuring what comforting words he could think of. Dean's body shook in Cas's arms, saddening the Angel greatly. It took a _lot_ for the ex-Hunter to break down so freely in front of anyone, even Cas.

This was hurting Dean so much, he was actually accepting the comfort.

"Dean, I have something to tell you," Cas finally said, after Dean's tears seemed to dry up.

Dean was so exhausted from the whole episode, he just shrugged.

"I have a plan to save them."

Dean froze, unable to believe it. It was a dream, a hallucination…Cas wasn't really here, he was imagining things, he—

"I'm really here, you're not imagining anything, Dean," Cas said soothingly, gently stroking the dark blonde hair under his hand. "I managed to get in contact with another Angel that was resurrected after Lucifer and Michael were locked away. He's agreed to help me invade the cage without busting our older brothers free, but save Adam and Sam."

Dean sucked in a shuddery breath. "A-are you sure it will work? A-and can y-you really trust this Angel?"

"…he's a bit of a prankster, but he was sincere in his offer to help me."

"Can he guarantee nothing will happen to _you_?" Dean demanded, his anguished green eyes meeting Cas's hopeful blue ones.

"Dean, it's a part of Hell. There are no guarantees when _anyone_ tries to enter Hell. You either make it out, or you don't," Cas said, deciding to be brutally honest.

Dean's face twisted. "So what you're saying is that I might not just not get Sam back, but I might lose you at the same time."

"That is not what I—"

"Cas."

Cas fell silent at that quiet plea for the truth.

Dean pulled away slightly, frowning at Cas. It was a simple thing, really. Just a yes or no.

"I do not know," he muttered, lowering his gaze. He wasn't sure what to say now.

"The minute you know you might not make it out," Dean said lowly. "You haul ass back up to the surface. You hear me? I ain't losing you too, Cas. I refuse."

XXX

Two days since that conversation. One day since Dean had met – rather, was re-introduced to – the Angel that was going to help them rescue Sam and Adam.

Three hours since Cas and Gabriel had dove into Hell to rescue the brothers.

Dean paced back and forth in the living room, pausing every once in a while to look out whatever window he was closest to. Then he'd shake himself and continue pacing.

"Dean."

The quiet word made Dean tense, and spin to face the Angels.

Gabriel had an unconscious Adam bridal-style in his arms. He carefully laid the boy on the couch.

"I had to put him out. Kid wouldn't stop screaming at me to leave him alone," Gabriel explained hesitantly.

Dean's eyes flashed in pain, but he nodded. "Thank you," he said gruffly.

Castiel had Sam leaning on him, the Angel waiting for Dean's instruction. Dean could only stare at his beloved little brother. Sam either seemed to be out of it, or he didn't think any of it was real.

"The couch is a pullout," Dean finally rasped, turning back to Gabriel. "Could you lift Adam back up so I can open it up?"

Once Adam was situated in the pull-out bed, Dean helped Castiel walk Sam to the main bedroom and carefully arrange him on Dean's bed. Sam was out cold within seconds.

"I was unable to find out what exactly was done to them," Castiel said apologetically. "I am truly sorry. If you need any help, don't hesitate to pray to us."

Dean turned to stare at Cas in confusion. "What are you talking about? Where are you going?"

"You have your brothers now, Dean," Cas explained, giving him a small smile.

"Yeah, ok," Dean said slowly.

"You have your family back."

"Cas," Dean said impatiently. "What exactly do you think you are to me?"

Cas tilted his head, brow furrowed.

"You dumbass," Dean barked a small laugh, pulling the Angel in for a quick hug. "You're my family, too."

XXX

"How did you guys manage to pull it off?"

"I am unable to bring back both bodies and souls at the same time. I had to choose one, and Gabriel brought the other."

"You are amazing Cas."

"…Gabriel brought the souls," Cas whispered. "I was too afraid I'd be unable to bring them back."

"I'm grateful to you both," Dean said firmly. "And if he wants to hang around, I'm ok with it."

XXX

Adam woke up three days later. Once he was able to understand that he was no longer in the cage, but safe on Earth in Dean's house, he cried for a couple of hours from sheer relief.

Dean went out and bought the kid a steak for his first meal since Hell. He deserved something fancy.

Sam stayed unconscious.

XXX

Two weeks after the rescue mission, and ten days after Dean had started renovating the house to add two more bedrooms for Sam and Adam, Sam woke up.

He just laid in Dean's bed, gazing at his brother while Dean explained everything that had happened.

"How do I know this is real, and what you're saying is true?" Sam asked when Dean finished.

"Because I kept my promise," Dean said.

"No, you didn't. I'm back."

Dean just smirked. "Cas and Gabe did that. It wasn't my plan, and I wasn't involved."

"Still—"

"Still nothing, Bitch. Now, what color do you want your room painted?"

XXX

"You sure Gabe doesn't want a room of his own?"

"He's fine, Dean. He and I sit and converse or play card games in my room while you sleep. He's fine sharing my room with me."

"Are you okay with it?"

"Of course. He's my brother."

XXX

Cas watched as Dean finally allowed Sam into the backyard. Adam was already out there, reading one of the Harry Potter books Dean owned. Gabriel reclined on the lowest branch in one of the five trees, watching blank-faced as Sam stumbled a bit.

"It's okay, Sammy, I gotcha," Dean assured his brother, keeping a tight grasp on the shaky man.

Sam settled into one of the sofa chairs Dean had moved out there for his brothers. "Dean, I'm sorry—"

"Nothing to be sorry about," Dean cut him off. He knew Sam would try to find a way to blame himself. "It's in the past, and it ain't your fault. Besides," he grinned, holding his cell phone in Sam's face. "You have a call to make, Sammy."

Bobby was there within twenty-four hours. It baffled Dean, but he felt it wise not to poke his nose into it. After all, it was Bobby's business how he got from South Dakota to Maine in a _day_.

And he really didn't want to know, anyhow.

XXX

Dean watched silently from the kitchen window as Gabriel and Adam bonded over the model airplane they were putting together. He never knew the Archangel could be so nice. Sam was sitting on the front steps, talking softly with Bobby.

Cas, however, was off doing who knows what.

Dean sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

The whole rescue mission had gone off without a hitch, but Dean was still worried about the inevitable consequences of yanking Sam and Adam from Hell like that. And he was worried about Cas.

The Angel had been acting a bit funny since that day, and Dean tried to find out why, but Cas practically ran from the room every time Dean brought it up. But Dean couldn't find it in himself to be angry. Surprisingly, he thought the nervous, shy behavior of Cas's was too adorable for words.

Damn, he was screwed. Definitely going to Hell again.

AFTER THE FALL

Cas kept thinking about Dean. It had taken him a long time to understand that humans didn't stare. Apparently, it was unnerving, uncomfortable, and downright unwanted.

Even though Dean never really said anything about it, Cas didn't want his best friend to get upset at him.

A knock on his door startled Cas from his thoughts. He knew right away it wasn't Gabriel – the Archangel usually just popped in.

"Cas? You in there?"

Cas froze. _Dean_.

"Cas, we're all walking to the gas station to get drinks. You wanna come along?"

"Angels do not need to drink," Cas answered automatically.

Dean chuckled softly. "How many times you gonna use that stale response? You can still walk with us, can't you?"

"I-I would prefer to sit here…and think," Cas finished lamely.

Dean frowned at the closed door. What was eating Cas? "Well…okay. Call my cell if you change your mind, hm?"

"Yes, Dean."

Dean shook his head, walking away from Cas's door. Yep, he was bound and determined to get to the bottom of this. Before anything crazy happened.

Like it always did.

XXX

Poor Sam was having visions again.

He was fortunate not to be having such horrible nightmares about the Cage like Adam was, but _visions_? Both he and Dean had thought those were done ages ago.

This new vision had appeared to him while he was sleeping. It involved Cas and the crossroads demon, Crowley.

They were going to try to open Purgatory.

XXX

"You can't, Cas!"

"It's the only way."

"Please, man, anything. I'll do _anything_ to help."

"There's nothing you can do. You're only human. I will not risk your life."

"This isn't the way to win against Raphael! Please, you gotta know that. Deep down, you know what I'm saying is true."

"There is no other way, Dean!"

"Not true. Never true."

"What do you— "

"Bobby and I have been doing research…"

XXX

Cas balked. He didn't want to take a chance on permanently damaging Dean's soul. But Dean was stubborn. For the spell to work, Cas had to touch a human soul while Bobby did a short chant in Greek.

Yeah, Dean was aware that the process would hurt. But he sure as Hell didn't want Cas working with that damn Crowley, so what other choice did he have?

"Afíste tin katharótita aftís tis psychís na férei ápeiri dýnami. Afíste to fos aftís tis psychís na férei atéleioti dýnami. Afíste tin athoótita aftís tis psychís na férei eiríni se aftón ton kósmo. Afíste aftí tin psychí na voithísei aftón ton ángelo sti diórthosi tou paróntos, stin prostasía tou méllontos, stin kathodígisi ton chaménon. Afíste aftí tin psychí enós anthrópinou stratióti na exousiodotísei aftón ton ángelo stratióti, na férei ti dikaiosýni kai tin elefthería tou Ouranoú kai tis Gis."

 _Damn those Greeks for making spells so friggin long and convoluted!_

Dean gripped the chair he was on so hard, it creaked. He fought not to writhe. The agony of Cas touching his soul, no matter how gently he'd promised to be, tore through Dean's entire being. He clamped his lips together to keep from screaming, but pained whimpers still forced their way into existence.

Then it was over, and Dean was limply sitting on the chair, his nerve endings on fire, brain feeling like mush, eyes unfocused. His head lolled as he attempted to move.

The floor rushed up to meet him.

XXX

Dean reclined on the couch, staring up at the ceiling while his stomach twisted with anxiety and fear. Would Cas make it back okay? Had the spell made him powerful enough to gank that asshat Raphael? Was Heaven free now?

The sound of flapping wings filled the living room, and Gabriel appeared, grinning widely.

Sam came out of his room, Adam looked up from the TV, and Bobby turned away from the desk in the corner to stare expectantly at Gabriel.

The Archangel only said two little words. Two little words that filled them all with relief, and made them whoop in celebration.

"Cas won."

XXX

Dean wasn't quite used to the quiet. Not anymore. Not after months of having his two little brothers, Bobby, and the two Angels living with him.

Now he had the whole house to himself again.

Adam was taking a trip to visit his mom's grave, but promised he'd be back within two weeks. Sam was on an easy Hunt to distract himself from Hell. Bobby had to go back to Sioux Falls, but said he'd check in with Dean every week. Gabriel appointed himself Heaven's messenger for Dean, saying he'd come and inform Dean of anything important happening upstairs.

Dean hadn't heard from Cas since the day they'd done the spell to power the Angel up.

It was awful, really, living by himself. He'd gotten so used to the "happy family" vibe he felt the minute he walked in the house after getting back from work.

He walked inside, the emptiness crushing him. There was no one to greet him, no one to smile welcomingly at him, no one to banter with.

XXX

Two months passed.

Adam had come back like he'd promised. Sam came and went, unable to settle down like he had for college. Although Dean had the sneaking suspicion Sam was secretly seeing the girl that worked behind the counter at the auto shop Dean now managed.

Brianna was her name. She had chestnut hair, golden hazel eyes with flecks of green hidden behind black cats eye glasses, a creamy complexion, and an infectious laugh.

Sam invited Dean to Hunt with him when he found new cases, and each time Dean turned him down. He didn't want to lose this normal life he'd managed to make for himself.

Then Sam told him about a case in California, where Sam's old apartment had been. A woman had been spotted, walking through the apartment, softly asking for someone.

She was asking for Sam.

Dean reluctantly agreed, one last Hunt with his brother. He knew the ghost was Jess, searching for Sam. Dean felt immensely guilty about the whole thing, knowing that if he'd known back then what his actions would have caused, he would've left his brother at college.

But it was too late for regrets.

XXX

"You think I should get a cat or something when we get back?"

"Why would you want a cat?"

"Something to come home to when you all are out doing your own thing," Dean said easily, shrugging.

Sam just shook his head in amusement. "Whatever, dude."

"Gonna get me a white cat."

"Yeah?"

"Name her Luna."

"Wha— _Luna_? Why?"

"I read the Harry Potter series. Luna was the only character I actually liked."

Sam didn't laugh like Dean had expected. He just smiled and said, "That sounds like a good name for a cat."

XXX

Jess had been a ferociously vengeful spirit.

She threw Dean around the apartment, while keeping Sam pinned to the wall and out of the way. Dean could feel himself losing consciousness as she kept slamming him into the floor or a wall, yelling how it was his fault she was dead. If he had just left them alone, Sam wouldn't be suffering, and she would still be alive.

"You should have died! Not your mother, not me, not anyone! _You_!"

Sam tried talking gently to her, pleading with her to let Dean go. "Jess, look at me, I'm fine. You need to let go, move on. This isn't right for you. You belong in Heaven."

He managed to convince her to move on, and she disappeared.

Dean passed out from his injuries.

XXX

He was swimming in a sea of pain, struggling to keep his head above the waves so he could breathe. He numbly felt someone carrying him, staggering.

"CAS!" Sam bellowed, his brother in his arms, eyes closed. Dean kept going in and out of consciousness

"CASTIEL! GET YOUR STUPID ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! DEAN NEEDS YOU!"

Cas appeared, a frown on his face. "I heard you the first time, Sam, I—" he cut himself off, his expression showing shock and horror at the sight of Dean's battered and bruised body as Sam gently laid him down on the motel bed. "What did you two do?"

"Jess came back as a vengeful spirit, and really knocked Dean around. I think she did something to him internally," Sam lowered his voice, but there was still a bite in his words. "Could you please fix him?"

Cas pressed two fingers to Dean's head. Sam breathed a soft sigh of relief as the bruises and massive cuts disappeared, but leaned closer when he noticed Dean wasn't waking up.

"I don't understand…" Cas was confused. "He's refusing to wake up."

Sam glared at his brother. "Cuz he's a stupid ass that blames everything on himself, that's why."

Dean fought to open his eyes, but his eyelids felt like lead, and honestly, he knew that if he woke up the rest of the way, he'd feel like crap. Jess had been right…all the deaths had been his fault. There was no way he could ever make up for all the shit he'd done.

 _I'm better off dead…_

"Dean."

Dean looked around, blinking in confusion when he saw he was no longer in the motel room, but in a huge meadow. He turned around, and came face-to-face with Cas.

"Hey, Cas," he said easily.

"You need to wake up now." Cas took a step closer. "If you don't wake up soon, Sam is going to take you to the hospital. I'm trying to keep him calm, but you refusing to wake up is making him panic something fierce."

Dean felt a flash of guilt. "I didn't mean to make anyone upset. It's just… peaceful in my mind. That's all."

Cas tilted his head, eyes narrowed as he studied Dean's face. "You don't want to Hunt anymore."

Dean flinched, looking away. "No, I don't. I'm not…I'm not hungry for it anymore."

The Angel said nothing, merely waited for Dean to continue.

"I like having a real home. I like having my family there. Yeah, I might join a Hunt here or there, but I'm in a good place. I can understand why Sammy needed to leave," he chuckled softly, the noise music to Cas's ears. "Normal life is so addicting. And it has its own dangers. I have friends living next door, I'm the manager at the auto shop, I actually go to church now. It's all good."

Cas felt his eyes widen in surprise. "You attend church?"

"Yup," Dean grinned. "It's peaceful there. Everyone's so nice and friendly. I feel like I belong here, Cas. And I don't wanna lose this." Then he frowned, taking a few steps towards Cas. "And I don't wanna lose you, either, man. I don't know why you stopped coming, but it's been odd without you popping in whenever you felt like it."

"I'm sorry, Dean…" Cas didn't really know what to say to that. He thought Dean would eventually get sick of seeing him, and wouldn't want him around anymore.

"Nah, it's okay. Just…stop being a stranger, hm?"

Cas smiled. "Okay, Dean. I will not be a stranger."

Dean laughed, making Cas's smile grow bigger.

XXX

Dean settled on the couch, surfing the channels on the TV. Sam was off on yet another Hunt. Adam had re-enrolled in college, but it was a business college this time instead of a medical school. He wanted nothing to do with blood and gore anymore, thank you very much. Gabe and Cas kept popping in time to time, though they were really busy recently with running Heaven.

His cell phone rang suddenly, bringing Dean out of his thoughts. He pressed talk. "Hello?"

"Hey, Dean."

"Jody!" Dean couldn't help smiling. "How's it going?"

"Everything's fine. No, there's no ghosts or anything, so don't go getting all worried," she laughed lightly.

Dean chuckled. "Even if there was, you'd have to wait till Sam got home. I don't really Hunt much anymore."

"Really? That must be weird."

"Nah. Haven't Hunted much in over a year. Anyway, watcha need?"

"I have an amnesiac Angel on my hands. I have no clue how to care for an Angel, so I figured you could come get her."

"An amnesiac Angel?" Dean stared at nothing. "Hmm…I can pray for Cas to go get her if you want."

"Oh, would you? Thanks, Dean, that'd be really helpful. She keeps getting underfoot, and I have enough to do, what with being the Sheriff here."

"You're welcome. I'll ask him to get her after we hang up."

XXX

"She really doesn't remember who she is?" Dean asked incredulously, staring at the ten-year-old redheaded girl that Cas had come back from Jody's with.

The girl looked up at Dean curiously, her grey eyes taking in everything. "Hi. Do you know my name? I don't remember who I'm supposed to be."

Dean shared a worried look with Cas. "Well, that just answered my question."

The girl frowned. "There's a voice…she says our names were taken by Raphael." She looked up at Cas, frowning in confusion. "Who's Raphael?"

"Are you gonna be able to fix her, Cas?"

"I'm sorry, Dean, but I'm only a Seraph. I don't have the power to help an Angel regain their name." Cas sighed in frustration. "We shall have to ask Gabriel."

XXX

Gabe grinned when he saw the little girl. "Wow, I haven't seen you in a thousand years, sweetheart! Where've you been?"

She cocked her head, confusion flittering across her face. "You know who I am?"

His grin faded a bit, but he nodded. "Yup, sure do! Your name is Lydia. You worked right under me when we were in Heaven. Well, the Angel possessing you did." His eyes turned sad. "Poor thing…it's almost your time to go to Heaven, huh?"

The girl nodded somberly. "The pretty light promised I could travel the country before I died if I said yes. She said she could keep me alive long enough to do that."

"I'm glad you were able to go where you wanted."

Her grey eyes lit up, sparkling with happiness. "That I do remember! We got to see the Grand Canyon, Pikes Peak, Yosemite Park, Yellowstone National Park, the Statue of Liberty, the St. Louis Arch, lots of cool stuff!" She suddenly pouted. "But I still don't remember my name."

Gabe laid a gentle hand on her head, reading her thoughts and memories. "That's easy, sweet pea. Your name is Kylie."

The girl thought about that for a moment before beaming up at the Archangel and saying, "Yes, that sounds like my name. Thank you!"

XXX

When the little girl's soul had gone to Heaven, the angel, Lydia, expressed her gratitude for helping her and her vessel.

"Is it alright if I stay here for a while?" she asked Dean, her eyes flickering uncertainly to Cas. "I really have nowhere else to go. I don't want to go back to Heaven just yet. And Kylie's family already thinks they buried her."

"Having a good time down here, eh?" Dean joked, handing the Angel a bottle of sprite.

Lydia looked at the Sprite before twisting the cap off and gulping half of it down. "That's so yummy. And yes, I'm having a good time interacting with humans. They're so interesting; I'm captivated by all their customs and habits. Did you know they kiss under mistletoe at Christmastime? That's a very fun tradition!" Lydia giggled. "Kylie's friend, Trevor, got stuck under the mistletoe with her last Christmas, and they had to kiss. It was a funny memory to watch. His face got so red!"

Dean laughed along, taking a split second to glance at Cas. The Angel just frowned in thought, obviously wondering what the big deal was.

The front door opened. "Dean?"

"Heya, Sammy!" Dean called back. "Come meet the new member of the family!"

Sam came into the living room, looking at the tiny Angel in curiosity. "Trying for an Angel harem, Dean?" he joked.

"Ah, put a sock in it."

Gabe and Cas looked at Dean curiously. He shrugged, for once not bothered by their stares. "What? She's your family, so she's my family. What's another Angel?" He smiled warmly at the little Angel.

Next thing he knew, Lydia was clinging to him with her tiny arms. "Does that mean I can live here?"

"If you want to, Lydia."

Lydia was all smiles.

"How come you don't want to go back to Heaven, Lydia?"

Lydia rolled her eyes at Cas. "You really have to ask? Earth is full of love, emotions, family, loyalty. Heaven just has good little soldiers, following whoever the highest Archangel is since our Father is off traveling the universe to get away from us."

Gabe guffawed at the stunned look on Cas's face. "She's right, y'know. Dad got tired of us bickering all the time, so he left for an extended vacation."

"He's back, now." Lydia said, studying her ragged fingernails. She picked at one.

Everyone turned and stared at her.

She looked up, getting flustered when she noticed the sudden stares. "What? What'd I say?"

"He's in Heaven?" Gabe spoke first, trying to hide the shock he felt.

"No, he's on Earth. He's waiting for you guys to find him. And no," she looked at Cas in amusement, who had opened his mouth to ask her a question. "Not with the amulet, you cheater. Which, by the way," she pulled a leather cord out of her jean shorts pocket, and held it out to Dean. "He wants you to not throw this away again."

Dean took the necklace, staring down at the amulet in his hand. He hadn't seen it since he'd thrown it away at the motel. "He talked to you?" He jerked his head up, eyes narrowing at the small Angel.

Lydia shook her head, her red curls bouncing as they flew. "No. I received a vision from him. I found that in my pocket afterwards."

Sam took the amulet from Dean, looking down at it in disbelief and sadness. Dean swallowed hard. He knew he'd hurt Sam when he threw the necklace away. Sam had given it to him when they were both young, and Dean hadn't taken it off until Cas asked to use it to find God. Then when Cas returned it, Dean threw it away in the motel garbage can.

"I'm sorry, Sammy."

Sam looked at him. "What for?"

"For throwing it away. I was just so…frustrated and exhausted with all the apocalypse crap that I wasn't thinking clearly." He shook his head. "I regretted doing it soon after, but it was too late to go back and get it."

Sam nudged Dean with an elbow. "Dude, you really need to stop beating yourself up over stuff. It's in the past. Besides," Sam held it up with two fingers, the amulet dangling in Dean's face. Dean allowed a small smile to appear. "Lydia brought it back. Now you can wear it again, or hang it up, or whatever you—"

Dean snatched it out of Sam's hand, placing it around his neck. Sam laughed. Dean stuck his tongue out at his little brother, then grinned impishly.

"What? I've felt naked all this time without it. Now I'm fully dressed."

Sam just shook his head and laughed again. "Whatever, Jerk."

"Bitch."

Lydia and Gabe snickered at the little show the brother's put on, while poor Cas just sat on one of the sofa chairs, looking on in bemusement.

CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON

Dean and Cas had joined Sam on a Hunt, this time in New York City. A vampire had been building up a nest of pretty young blonde men and women. Gabe elected to stay behind and keep an eye on Lydia.

It didn't take long to find the nest, ten of the victims still human, but barely alive. Dean and Sam quietly and methodically beheaded as many as they could while Cas popped out with the people who hadn't been turned, taking them to a nearby hospital.

One of them must've made some noise, because next thing Dean knew, he was being tossed across the warehouse.

"Dean!" Sam yelled, managing to take two more out with his machete.

Dean's head cracked against the wall, and he slid to the floor, head spinning. He squinted, eyes blurry, as a vampire ran at him, their fangs bared. He forced himself to his feet, raising his machete. Somehow, he was able to slice the head off.

But he totally missed the vampire sneaking up behind him. Sam's panicked "Dean! Behind you!" came too late. Dean whirled, and the vampire lunged forward to sink its teeth deeply into his arm.

Blinding pain tore through him. He tried to yank his arm away, yet only succeeded in deepening the vampire's bite and bleeding more. He froze for a split second, noticing the other still-kicking vamps, spinning and converging on him like a bunch of hungry sharks.

His arm was bleeding so much, it advertised him as an easy meal.

Dean was starting to get light headed. Raising the machete, he fended off the other vampires as he continued struggling with the one still attached like a friggin sucker fish.

Then he saw Cas, making a bee-line for him. Feeling relief that the Angel would help, he finally just tore his arm from the vampire's mouth, a raspy yell of agony falling from his throat, and he took out the vampire, his blood still dripping from its chops. Two other vampires grabbed him, attempting to let a third finish him off. He fought them, his eyes finding Cas.

The Angel laid hands on both of the ones restraining him, frying them with his grace. Then he sent the third flying across the room, hitting a wall with a sickening crunch.

"Do not touch him!" Cas's voice boomed threateningly, his True Voice nearly making an appearance; everything was rattling.

"Cas," Dean gurgled, realizing too late that, _shit_ , somehow one of them had managed to bite his throat. How the hell had he missed that? His knees gave out, and he dropped to the floor heavily, unable to catch himself. "Cas…" his voice was fainter, vision darkening. Dean felt himself fully crumple on his side, eyes closing.

"Dean! Can you hear me?" came Sam's voice. "C'mon, man, you gotta stay awake! Don't go to sleep on me!"

Dean tried to, he really did. He never did like Sam begging him for anything, made him feel like a horrible big brother. But he couldn't fight the darkness.

He was too weak, and he was soon consumed by a peaceful blackness.

XXX

 _Where the hell am I?_

Dean didn't recognize the place. He sat up on the bed, staring around himself in growing fear and anxiety. His eyes shot to the pictures on the wall to his left, showing a smiling man and woman, holding a little child with blonde hair and green eyes. Dean squinted.

Holy crap…the kid was _him_. The man and woman his mom and dad.

Dean swallowed hard, staring at the pictures, then around the room. It was the room he'd had as a kid, before the fire that had killed his mom, before his dad had turned Dean and Sam into monster killers. He sighed, shaking his head.

He was in Heaven.

 _Again._

Great. Just great.

Dean slid out of the small, toddler bed, padding towards the door. The last time he'd been in Heaven, his mom had been in the kitchen. He wandered there, not being able to help the small smile that formed when he saw she was right where he expected.

Well…until Cas came and got him, or whatever, he was gonna enjoy this.

XXX

It took Cas a week before he finally appeared before Dean. The Angel seemed uncertain, watching as Mary smiled, telling Dean a story about her and John from when they were dating, while looking at a picture album.

Then Dean looked up, a huge, relieved smiled spreading across his face. "Cas! You came!"

Cas stood where he was, watching as Dean carefully pulled away from Mary, then jogged across the living room, drawing Cas into a warm hug. The Angel felt his heart skip a beat, and returned the embrace He'd missed Dean so much.

"I'm here to bring you back, Dean."

Dean pulled back, smirking. "Bout time, feather brain. Been waiting a friggin week for you."

"Are you sure you want to leave, Dean?" Cas glanced behind Dean at Mary. They'd looked so happy. "You looked like you were enjoying yourself."

"Man, you kidding?" Dean made a face. "I hate it here. I'm itching to get back to you guys, to my job. How long has it been on earth? An hour?"

Cas smiled. "Only seven minutes."

"Whew! I didn't miss anything, then. Good," Dean sighed, his stance relaxing again.

"Are you ready?"

Dean laughed. "Been ready since I woke up in that toddler bed upstairs. Let's go, Columbo."

"I don't understand—"

"That reference. Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's just get outta here, Cas."

XXX

Sam had fallen all over himself, apologizing for getting Dean killed on the Hunt. Dean smiled, said it wasn't his fault.

Dean's ultimatum: no more Hunts for him.

He was done. Finished. Through. Kaput.

He'd had enough.

XXX

"Dean?"

Dean looked up from his computer, smiling at Cas. "What's up?"

"The sky," Cas said solemnly, cocking his head cutely.

"Expression, Cas," Dean said with a laugh.

"I was wondering if you could explain something to me…" Cas trailed off, biting his lower lip in embarrassment and anxiety.

"Well," Dean leaned back in his seat, folding his hands over his middle. "Lay it on me. What human thing did you come across this time that you don't understand?"

"What is love like?" Cas blurted, controlling his vessel so it didn't blush.

His blue eyes widened slightly when he noticed Dean's eyes dilate a bit. The ex-Hunter shifted in his chair, clearing his throat.

"Um, well…" he stammered, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not sure where you're going with this…"

"I was watching a movie the other day with Sam—"

"Him and those chick flicks, I swear," Dean groaned teasingly.

Cas shrugged. "And the main character fell in love pretty quickly. I was wondering, since you were probably in love, could you tell me what it's like?"

Dean stared at him, frozen in his seat for a few heart-pounding moments. "Uh…Not so sure it's easy, Cas, but I'll try…" he mumbled, rubbing his nose. Looking away from the Angel, he tried to re-call what he'd felt with Cassie in the past… and now with Cas. "Well…One thing I know is that it's not all physical attraction. You feel something for the person they are _inside_. You can see yourself marrying this person, committing yourself to them for the rest of your life. You can see yourself waking up to them in the morning, going to sleep with them at night, laughing with them, crying with them, comforting them, them comforting you, being mad but being able to work things out. You can see being a family with them." Dean abruptly cut himself off. Why the hell had he said so much?

Cas cocked his head, pondering everything Dean had said. "Do you feel warm when you see them? Rapid heartbeat? Shortness of breath? Butterflies in the stomach?"

"Yeah, all that and more," Dean confirmed, his gaze glued to the tabletop. Then he frowned, looking up at Cas. "Y'know, you could look this up on the internet, or go observe people. Why are you asking _me_?"

"You're the expert on humans I prefer to go to, Dean," Cas said matter-of-factly.

"So, does this mean you're trying to figure out if you love someone?" Dean asked as casually as he could.

The reaction he received was priceless! Cas couldn't control the deep flush that flooded his face this time.

"I-I-I," he stuttered, unable to look at Dean. "I think I'd better go…"

Before Dean could say or do anything, Cas vanished. Dean stared at the spot Cas had just been standing, trying to comprehend what he'd just been told by Cas's actions.

The Angel loved someone, obviously. The thought made Dean's heart ache something fierce, but he ignored the feeling. Though…it was suspicious how he wouldn't look Dean in the eye.

Dean frowned. The only reason he could think of was that the person Cas loved was a Winchester. There were only three of them, but Sam was off the menu since he was definitely seeing Brianna from the auto shop. And Adam wasn't really available, since he'd mentioned in his last e-mail that he was interested in a girl he had his writing class with. What was her name again? Er…Molly! That's what her name was, Molly.

Then Dean's eyes widened. The only Winchester left was Dean himself…

Cas couldn't love him. Especially not in a romantic way.

Could he?

XXX

Dean had known it for years. He'd known the truth since he was young, about the time he'd started Hunting with his dad. But it hadn't really become concrete in his mind until now.

Dean's existence was so poisonous, everyone he called family kept leaving in one way or another.

Henry Winchester, John's dad, had come from the past, and ended up dying because Dean and Sam hadn't been fast enough to save him from Abaddon, a Knight of Hell.

Dean allowed himself to wallow in grief for about an hour, while Sam was out doing who knows what. Then he got his shit together.

He'd told Sam no more Hunts.

He'd promised himself he wouldn't pick up the guns, rock salt or knives again.

But now? Now, he wanted revenge on Abaddon. Not only that, he had to stop her from destroying the world.

He had to do it – for Henry and John.

For Sam.

For Cas.

XXX

Dean made a pot of coffee, ignoring the persistent itching and burning on his right arm. Cain had warned him about the mark, that since Dean was human he wouldn't be able to control it as well. But the Hunter couldn't let himself care about that right now. He just needed to focus on taking out Abaddon.

"Dean? Where'd you go this afternoon?"

Dean sipped at the coffee he'd poured for himself, turning to face Sam. "Out."

Sam made a face. "Yeah, I gathered that. Out where? Lydia wanted to ask you questions, and she ended up pestering me instead. Couldn't get a damn thing done."

"I went out by myself, had some beers, listened to some tunes in Baby, then came back." Dean fixed Sam a look, willing himself not to look as guilty as he felt. "Why the third degree, Sammy? Aren't I allowed to go out without a babysitter? Sheesh," he grumbled, turning back to the counter, setting his mug down. "I'm a grown-ass man."

Sam was silent for a few shocked moments. "I never said you weren't."

"Good." Dean felt the tension and irritation leave his system. His tone turned warm and friendly again. "So, what questions did Lydia ask?" He smirked at Sam over his shoulder. "Lemme guess, something dirty?"

"Dean!" Sam looked horrified. Then his expression changed to one of annoyance, and he rolled his eyes. "Very funny, Jerk."

"Bitch."

"Dean?"

Dean turned around again, coming nearly nose-to-nose with Cas. Instead of flinching away like he usually did, he just sighed, smirking down at the adorable little Angel.

"Cas, you're in my bubble again," he snarked.

Cas, instead of rising to the bait and saying he didn't understand yet another reference of Dean's, he just squinted at Dean as if he couldn't see the human clearly. His eyes flickered down to Dean's right arm, covered with his plaid button-up, then back up to his wary green eyes.

"Something wrong, buddy?" Dean asked, trying to sound innocent.

Sam made a noise of annoyance. "Forget it. I'll tell Lydia you're busy for the time being, Dean." With that, Sam went into the living room.

Dean was barely paying attention to Sam at the moment. His eyes were locked on Cas's blue ones, full of confusion, though the confusion was slowly being replaced by horrified understanding.

"What have you done to yourself?" Cas breathed, silently begging Dean to have not done what he suspected the Hunter had done.

"What I had to," Dean answered calmly.

Cas closed his eyes. He felt the shock of Dean's words and utter uncaring tone deep within his grace. How could this stupid, over-protective, suicidal, precious, _beautiful_ human have done this atrocity to himself?

"Cas…" Dean said softly, itching to reach out to the obviously conflicted Angel, yet afraid he'd get his hand smacked away. "It's temporary."

"Did you not think to ask Gabriel if he could take care of Abaddon before sentencing yourself to a life of darkness?" Cas snapped, his eyes open now, and full of fire.

Dean frowned. "He can't. I already heard him and Sam discussing it. He doesn't have the mojo for that kind of thing right now."

"Dean—"

"She's a frigging Knight of Hell, Cas!" Dean burst out. "Whaddya expect me to do, send Gabe to his death, _again_? Or sacrifice _you_? No. No way." His expression closed down, eyes blank and emotionless. That scared Cas more than the calm way he'd confirmed the Angel's worst fears. "I'm doing this, then I'm giving the Mark back."

Cas nearly choked. He hadn't heard of the Mark in years. It was said to hold an evil so dark, it corrupted and twisted until the soul it was latched onto was unrecognizable.

"I refuse to watch you burn, Dean," he said lowly. "I've done it once, when I went to pull you out of Hell. Do not make me go through that horror again."

Dean had enough. He pushed past Cas, ignoring his pleas. "Then maybe, just maybe, you did me a disservice."

"What do you mean?" Cas hurried after him, not willing to let Dean out of his sight.

"I mean," Dean spun, trapping Cas against a wall. "You should've just left me in Hell."

XXX

Metatron was gonna pay for what he'd done to Cas.

Dean figured that since he'd been able to kill Abaddon pretty easily, Metatron shouldn't be too hard either. But he was wrong.

Yeah, he did good at first, landing a couple slices on the scribe Angel's arm. Then Metatron somehow threw him into the wall, stunning him momentarily.

Then, as Dean was shaking the fog out of his head, Metatron shoved his Angel Blade into Dean's abdomen.

Sam found him, after Metatron had already left. Dean could feel himself slipping. He didn't wanna die, especially now. With the Mark still on his arm, he knew he'd be going to Hell again. He numbly felt a trickle of blood drip from his mouth.

He knew he was dying.

Sam had tears in his eyes as he hoisted his brother to his feet, supporting Dean's full weight. Dean couldn't stand, let alone walk, and he gurgled a bit as he said so to Sam. His knees buckled, and down he went.

Sam crouched in front of him. "I'm not letting you die on me again, Dean! You hear me? I'm gonna find an Angel out there, and they're gonna fix you, okay?"

"Sam, I'm sorry," Dean choked out, more blood dribbling on to his shirt. He figured he only had a few seconds left. "I wasn't able to avenge Cas, and I can't protect you anymore. I'm sorry."

"No," Sam swallowed back the sobs building up. "Don't talk like that. You're gonna be okay. You're—"

"I love you, little brother," Dean managed to force out, a wisp of a smile on his lips. His vision was tunneling. This was it.

"Dean!"

His brother's voice was the last thing he heard.

XXX

Black eyes opened, staring straight at the King of Hell, sitting near the bed. The black eyes flicked around the room, taking in everything. It was familiar, yet not.

"Hello, Dean," Crowley said, smirking.

Dean sat up, blinking, the black eyes disappearing; his green eyes were back. "What happened?"

"The Mark brought you back, though you should be able to tell you aren't human anymore." Crowley shook his head. "Good thing your Moose of a brother didn't take you to the Men of Letters bunker. Too much warding. I wouldn't have been able to get to you in there very well."

Dean flexed his arms, moved his legs. Everything seemed to be functioning perfectly. Then he lifted his shirt, checking to see if the wound was still there.

Nothing.

"Cool. Perks of being a demon, hm?"

Crowley merely smirked again.

XXX

It had been months since he'd last seen those he used to call family, back when he was human.

Crowley still tried from time to time to persuade him into partnering up, but Dean was having none of that. Why tie himself down now when he was utterly free? No, he was gonna have fun, drink, party, and get wasted. He was a bit confused about why he didn't feel the need for sex, but he just waved it off. Not all demons were the same.

Especially since Dean was a Knight of Hell, way up in the ranks.

A curvy blonde demon sauntered up to him in a bar, her mouth close to his ear. "Your brother is torturing demons, trying to find you. Thought you'd want to know, sir."

Dean eyed her before nodding. "Keep watch on him. Just don't let him know you're there."

"Yes, sir." The blonde turned and walked out.

Many of the demons started following Dean, though he really didn't understand why. The blonde had weaseled her way into basically being his second in command, reporting to him about his brother's movements, and even keeping tabs on the now human Castiel.

Dean downed the rest of his shot of whiskey, then vanished from the bar.

XXX

"Sammy."

Sam tensed at the familiar voice and the very familiar yet annoying nickname. He slowly turned, unable to believe who he was seeing. "Dean?"

Dean, keeping his eyes green, smiled crookedly, attempting to put Sam at ease. "Dude, if you were that desperate to get a hold of me, should've just called." He pulled his cell out of his pocket, holding it up in the air for Sam to see. "I would've answered."

Sam kept his eyes locked on Dean. He knew what he'd seen in the footage from those gas stations and bars, the flicker of black in his brother's eyes. He needed to see if for himself, since he was still partly in denial about his brother being one of "them" now. "Would you? Would you really?"

"Yes," Dean said truthfully. "You didn't need to torture demons left and right to find me. Although, I guess I made it difficult when I turned off my GPS." He shrugged. "Oops. Anyway, why are you looking for me?"

"You have to ask?" Sam said incredulously. "Seriously? Dude, you took off with Crowley, and—"

"Who I promptly ditched," Dean cut in.

"You're a…a…" Sam couldn't voice the word.

"Demon," Dean said softly, a miniscule feeling of warmth for his brother making him frown. "Actually, I'm not your run-of-the-mill demon. I'm a Knight of Hell."

Sam's eyes about bugged out of his head. "B-but…Dean, the last Knight of Hell—"

"Abaddon was a bitch that needed to be put down before she destroyed the world." Dean's voice was flat, his green eyes full of anger. "I, on the other hand, have no desire to cause the chaos she had in store. I just wanna live it up. That's all."

"I…uh…huh…" Sam's face was hilarious with all the conflicting emotions showing.

Dean chuckled softly. "Sammy, I'm still me. Just stronger, faster, and with a few extras."

Before Sam could say anything, a gunshot rang out. Dean blinked, shocked at the feeling of something punching him in the chest. He looked down. There was a hole in his black dress shirt, right next to his black tie.

"What the…" he muttered, using his finger to poke at it. He hissed in realization that some moron had just shot him!

"Dean Winchester, I presume."

Dean's head jerked up, and he glowered blackly at the obviously military man coming towards Sam. Without saying a word, Dean was in front of his brother, eyes black, a growl in his throat.

"You wanna live, I suggest you stay the _fuck_ away from my baby brother."

Sam was in shock. All the other demons he and Dean had come across had no feelings, no morals. Yet here was Dean, a demon, a _Knight_ of _Hell_ , threatening a stranger for possibly _thinking_ about doing anything to Sam.

The man just smirked at Dean. "I'm not after your brother, Dean. I came for you."

"Oh? What'd I do? Hit on your woman?" Dean snarled. "If I did, you're better off forgetting before I kill you."

"Like you killed my dad years ago? Finish what you started?"

Dean hesitated at that, though his tense stance showed how pissed he still was. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You killed my dad, back when I was in middle school!" The man hissed, raising his gun so the barrel was pointed right at Dean's face. "I saw your face! I heard him plead for his life, heard you kill him! I saw you standing over him from the top of the staircase!"

Dean's mind was racing as he sorted through memories. "Where was this?"

"New York City."

Oh. Yeah, now he remembered. "Your dad wasn't your dad anymore. He'd become a creature that fed on human livers, preferably while the person was still alive. He'd come home from a feeding and was heading up the stairs to feed on whoever was there. I did my job and stopped him."

"And you really expect me to believe you?"

"You know what? I really don't care if you believe me or not," Dean growled venomously. He let his eyes go black, shock and disgust showing on the man's face. "If a fight's what you want, then I'm all for it. But Sam leaves first. Otherwise," Dean let an evil smile spread across his face. "I get to use my demonic powers on your sorry ass."

The man looked at Sam coldly, then back at Dean. "Prove what you said was true, then I'll leave you alone."

"Now he wants _proof_ ," Dean groaned. He shook his head, then looked back at Sam. "Do you have Dad's journal on you? Or did you leave it behind when you came looking for me?"

Sam jerked his head back around to stare at Dean. He'd been staring out the other open end of the alleyway, making sure no one was watching or calling the authorities. "Uh…It's in my car."

"You have a car?"

"Of course I have a car, Dean!" Sam snapped. "How did you expect me to get around?"

"I dunno…" Dean cocked his head, listening to the man behind him now, making sure he didn't do anything stupid. "Are you using one of the cars from the bunker?"

"Like I had a choice?" Sam said dryly.

"I'm still waiting for that proof."

Dean shot the guy an ugly look. "Sam, go get the journal. We'll still be here when you get back."

Sam looked between him and the stranger warily, before turning around and hurrying out of the alley.

"Now that he's gone," Dean began good-naturedly, then his face went emotionless, and he raised his hand. The stranger slammed into a wall, the air leaving his lungs in a whooshing sound. Dean stared at him, studying the man like he was an interesting bug. "What's your name?"

"Cole," he gritted out, glaring at Dean. "Let me down!"

"Not yet, Cole. I got something you need to see."

Dean strode over to Cole, and placed his hand on Cole's head. He smirked. "This might hurt…only a lot."

Then Dean let loose his full power, showing Cole what Dean had seen and done that night with Cole's father. He showed him what exactly Dean was: a Hunter.

The whole time, Cole was screaming in agony.

By the time Sam came sprinting back with the journal, Dean was long gone. Only Cole remained, slumped against the wall. He stared dully at the ground.

"My dad…was a monster. Dean saved my life…" Cole admitted grudgingly.

Sam, in a fit of fury, threw the journal at the ground. "DEAN!"

XXX

Dean had a huge group of demon followers. Olivia, his blonde second, trailed after him wherever he went, mostly keeping to the shadows so she could spot if Crowley tried something. So far, nothing.

Dean and Olivia sat at another bar, both dressed completely in black again, ignoring the loud, crude humans around them.

"I like this plan," Olivia finally said, taking another sip of her whiskey. "When do you want us?"

"Gimme a week to prepare Sam and the others," Dean said, staring into his empty shot glass. He frowned, thinking of a certain Angel.

Olivia grinned, finishing her drink. "Yes, sir. I'll start gathering the others right away." Then she looked sharply at him. "Are you sure you want _me_ to be the last?"

"Yes. Since I'll be curing you, and completing the ritual, I'll be the one to die. I'm not sacrificing anyone else. Not anymore," Dean said softly, glancing at her. "But…I have one more job for you before you become human…"

XXX

"How do I know I can trust you?"

"You can trust Dean. He's my boss."

"And he sent you to find my Grace and bring it to _me_? Why?"

Olivia glowered, impatient to go. "Look, feather butt, I don't have time to play twenty questions with you. I have other jobs he gave me, so take your friggin Grace and go kick Metatron's ass already. My boss and I have another huge fish to fry right now."

Before Cas could say anything else, Olivia vanished, leaving a frustrated ex-Angel standing on Dean's front porch, still holding the vial that contained his Grace in his hand.

XXX

Over half of the demons were now human. Dean watched in impatient silence as Sam and Bobby cured as many as they could, though the whole process was still taking them longer than he liked. A week passed, and there were still more than three hundred left.

"Dude, this would go a hell of a lot faster if you would let me call Cas."

Dean stiffened, fixing his brother with a steady glare. "No."

"He still hasn't done anything with his Grace yet," Sam remarked casually, watching Dean out of the corner of his eye. "He's still human, if that's why you won't let him help."

"Why isn't he an Angel yet?" Dean couldn't understand it. Why would Cas choose to stay a pathetic human?

Sam merely shrugged and went back to work.

Dean chewed at his lower lip, brow furrowed in thought. Cas still being human changed things. Maybe he could help, after learning the ritual.

Before he could re-think what he was doing, Dean had his phone out, speed dialing Cas.

"Hello? Dean?"

Dean swallowed at the sound of Cas's voice. "Heya, Cas. Think you can help us out?"

"With what?"

"Curing a shitload of demons."

There was a beat of silence on the other end. "I don't understand…you mean they're willingly letting themselves be cured? What about you?"

"I'll be cured too, don't worry about that," Dean chuckled softly. "I'm just overseeing things right now. It's my big plan, a huge 'screw you' to Crowley. You in, Cas?"

"Of course, Dean. I'd be happy to help you."

XXX

Finally, after every demon Dean could get his hands on was cured, he allowed himself to be cured, letting Olivia watch. She wanted to know what exactly she'd be going through.

What Sam, Bobby, and Cas didn't know is why Olivia had to be last. Dean _had_ to be the one to cure her, since he was the one closing the gates of Hell. He'd already bathed in the blood of a Hellhound (one of Crowley's, not his), freed an innocent soul from Hell, and now that he was once again human, he was going to complete the Trials and cure Olivia, the final Trial.

His family didn't know. Not even the demons-turned-human knew. Only Olivia.

She grimaced at him as he cuffed her to the chair in the bunker dungeon. "You sure this will work, Boss? What if something goes wrong?"

"It'll be fine, Olivia," Dean reassured her.

It wasn't until he was almost through that Sam and Cas burst inside.

Dean whirled, syringe full of his blood in hand, staring at them in shock. "What the hell, guys?"

"Dean, stop!" Sam demanded, striding towards his brother.

Before Sam reached him, Dean stuck the needle in Olivia's neck, pushing the plunger down. She whimpered, though smiled encouragingly at him. Dean quickly drew his blade from his pocket, sliced his hand, and slapped it over her mouth, then did the incantation to cure her.

"Lustra! Lustra!" He growled, watching as a light filled Olivia's eyes, and she shrieked.

Then all was still. Dean let her head loose, and it lolled against her shoulder.

"Livvie?" He said, nudging her shoulder.

She groaned out, "Forget me, Boss. Finish it."

"Dean," Sam pleaded. "Please, stop. We know what you're trying to do."

"Oh yeah?" Dean eyed him and Cas. "And what is it I'm doing?"

"Closing the gates of Hell."

Dean cocked his head. "And what if I am? How are you going to stop me? I have the last line memorized." With that, he began to chant the incantation for the final Trial, ignoring the red glowing in his arms, the pain shooting through his body.

"Dean!" Cas shouted. "Stop! It's not too late!"

Olivia began to laugh. "You guys are idiots! He's been planning this whole thing since shortly after he became a demon! It took him time to find out how to close the gates, and more time to win over as many demons as he could! We've worked our asses off for this, so don't you ruin it!"

Dean finished, gasping hard, his knees hitting the ground. He gazed at his brother, his Angel, and managed a smile. "Don't bring me back this time, guys."

Sam's eyes widened in horror. "No, Dean! You can't die on me again!"

Cas didn't speak, only looked at him in deep sorrow.

"Lemme rephrase that," Dean wheezed, the strength seeping from his limbs. "Don't bring me back unless you can be sure it won't mess with the spell. Otherwise, _leave me be_."

With that, Dean toppled to his side. His vision went dark, feeling totally gone; all that was left was his hearing, though that was fading, too.

"I swear to you, Dean," came Cas's gravelly voice in his ear. "I _will_ find a way to bring you back. I swear on my Grace."

XXX

Cas couldn't think, couldn't move, could hardly breathe. He stayed where he was, kneeling on the floor of the bunker's dungeon, cradling Dean's cooling body in his lap. Tears pricked his eyes. He blinked them back, trying to not break down in a sniveling mess.

No. What he needed to do was find a way around the spell, bring Dean back.

Sam sat close by, staring down at Dean's unmoving body. "Cas…we're gonna get him back…right?"

"Of course, Sam," Cas immediately said, drawing Dean closer to his chest. "Gabriel should be able to help."

XXX

"He's not moving!"

"Patience, Samoose. His soul is still settling. Those Trials are the most powerful thing on earth, and they ripped his soul from his body."

"How were you able to get his soul back, brother?"

"Uh…I didn't."

"WHAT?!"

"Ouch! Shit, Sam, your voice is way too loud!"

"Gabriel, I suggest you explain yourself before Sam hurts you."

"Hey, hey! Sam, hands off the merchandise! Dad helped me out, okay?"

"He…He did?"

"Yes! Now leggomyarm!"

"Let him go, Sam."

"Why? Why would God help us out now?"

"Because, Dean's a hero in Heaven. Dad wants him to have a normal life. Oh, and He's bringing another couple surprises down. After Dean-o wakes up, though."

Dean tried to frown, open his eyes, _something_. He couldn't feel his face. For that matter, he couldn't feel _anything_. He struggled to wake up the rest of the way, to reassure Sam he was okay.

"Did you see that?"

"What, Cas?"

"Dean's fingers…they twitched."

Silence. Then Sam's voice, right by his ear, saying, "Dean? Can you hear me?"

Frustration bubbled up. Dean wrenched his eyes open, gazing blurrily up at Sam.

"Hiya, Sammy," he rasped, managing a small uplift of the corners of his mouth.

XXX

Dean reclined in the porch swing, watching Sam, Brianna, Adam, and Molly mess around playing catch. Bobby was settled in the rocker next to him, glancing at Dean every once in a while.

Because of the Trials, Dean was suffering as if he'd had a severe stroke. The left side of his body didn't cooperate most of the time, and sometimes he forgot what he was saying or doing. He could tell it was killing Sam to see his big brother like this, so Dean stopped talking and moving around as much.

Cas and Bobby were his main caretakers.

Dean sighed, leaning his head back against the swing. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the cool breeze on his face.

"You gonna say something, Dean?"

Dean grunted softly, cracking one eye open to look at Bobby. That was the most recent thing he had control over now: his eyelids. Slowly, ever so slowly, he was regaining his body.

"Well?"

"No." Dean left it at that. If he tried to say anymore, he'd just end up slurring his words.

"Bobby, leave him alone," Cas scolded gently, settling next to Dean on the swing. "He's still healing."

"His mouth works fine. I can understand him, even if you yahoos don't."

Dean snorted.

"See?" Bobby jerked his head in a self-satisfied nod. "Dean knows it's true."

Cas chuckled, shaking his head. "I don't know why I argue with you. I always lose."

"Not always," Dean tried to say, but it was slurred and raspy. He frowned down at his trembling hands. _Dammit_.

"Almost always," Cas responded, smiling at Dean.

Dean managed to make his mouth smile back.

XXX

Dean shuffled across the living room, then back to his easy chair. He didn't sit down, just kept pacing back and forth. Now that he had his legs back, he wanted to strengthen them.

"Dean, what are you doing?"

Dean quickly settled in his easy chair, giving Cas his innocent eyes. "Nothing."

Cas frowned disapprovingly at him. "That wasn't nothing, Dean. You're going to wear yourself out."

"Ah, Cas…" Dean groaned, making a face. "Lemme have my fun. It's been five months since God brought my soul back, and five months since I could walk on my own."

"You still need to rest," Cas worried at him, his eyes full of concern.

Dean rolled his eyes, but stayed where he was. "Fine."

"Acting like a petulant child won't help you any," Cas teased, smirking down at him.

"So?" Dean huffed, barely disguising his answering smirk. "At least it gets Sam off my back."

Cas shook his head. "You're something else, Dean Winchester."

Dean just gazed at his Angel, thinking, _So are you_.

XXX

After Dean was practically fully healed, Cas finally re-administered his Grace to himself, and returned to Heaven with Gabriel, but not before promising to come back to visit.

Dean didn't beg him to stay. Didn't tell him his home was there with Dean, not with those dicks with wings. Didn't tell him how he felt.

Nope. Dean just smiled and waved bye. Then Cas vanished, and Dean felt lonelier than ever.

"You ever gonna tell him how you feel?"

Dean jerked, startled, and whirled to stare at a serious-faced Sam. "W-what?"

Sam gave a long-suffering sigh. "Dude, everybody knows you love him. Cas has to be oblivious, or waiting for you to make the first move."

"I…uh…" Dean drew a blank. He had no arguments this time.

Sam smiled. "It's okay Dean. We don't judge you."

"I don't deserve an awesome Angel like Cas," Dean finally muttered, turning away.

"What? That's bullshit, Dean, and you know it!" Sam said angrily.

"Everyone I care about gets hurt, Sam," Dean hissed, glowering back at him. He walked away from Sam, heading for his room. "That's why I've kept him at arms-length all these years. He deserves more than a broken, piece of junk ex-Hunter who can't even function properly right now!"

"Dean," Sam whispered, shocked at the depth of his brother's self-loathing. "Dean, I'm sure he doesn't think that—"

"No, he probably thinks the _world_ of me," Dean said sarcastically. "Did you see how fast he took off when I got my legs back? He doesn't wanna be here, and I'm not gonna force him to stay."

"Dean—"

"Drop it, Sam!"

XXX

"Castiel, please, wherever you are, I need to talk to you," Sam prayed, staring up into the night sky. "It's Dean. I think he's depressed, and liable to do something. He's getting worse every day. He's refusing to come out of his room, he barely eats, barely sleeps, I even heard him crying late one night."

"Sam."

Sam dropped his gaze from the stars to the trench-coat wearing Angel in front of him. "Hey, Cas. You came."

"Of course I came. If you or Dean is ever in trouble, I will always come," Cas said firmly. "Now, tell me what it is you need me to do. If Dean is depressed, I'm not sure how I can help."

"He's depressed because he thinks he doesn't deserve you," Sam said bluntly.

He was rewarded with Cas's eyes widening, a slight flush stealing across his face. "I-I'm not sure what you are insinuating."

"Dude, cut the crap," Sam snapped. "You guys hiding your feelings from each other is what got Dean into this mess! He thinks he's a broken piece of junk, not worth your time, and that you left him!"

Cas stiffened, eyes hardening. "I didn't leave him willingly! Gabriel called me to Heaven to help him. I was planning on returning home in a week."

"It might be too late by then," Sam's voice cracked, tears welling his eyes. "Dean…I don't know for sure, but he might be suicidal."

"Like with the Trials," Cas muttered to himself. "Alright. I'll come. I don't want Dean hurting himself over me, or anything else. I'm not worth hurting over."

"You fell from Heaven for him," Sam pointed out.

Cas gave a small smile. "He's worth falling for."

XXX

Dean gazed up at the ceiling, watching the fan spin round and round. He let out a deep breath, and turned his head to the side, closing his eyes.

The door slowly creaked open. "Looks like he's asleep."

"That's good." Wait, was that Cas? "He needs it weren't exaggerating, from the looks of the dark circles under his eyes."

"When it comes to Dean, I never am."

The door closed, and Dean shot upright in bed, staring at the door. What the hell…had Sam called Cas down from Heaven?

He tumbled out of bed and jogged down the hallway to the living room. Sam and Cas were facing away, not saying anything at the moment.

"If you're gonna come in my room—"

Cas and Sam whirled, staring at Dean in surprise.

"Least you could do is wake me up and let me know you're there," Dean said softly, eyes flickering back and forth between the two. "So, what's going on, fellas?"

"Dean," Cas began, swallowing hard. "I did not go to Heaven because I wanted to. Gabriel needed my help with some of the younger Angels, and it took longer than I thought it would."

Dean stared at him. "Oh…yeah?"

"Yes, Dean. I did not leave you." Cas gazed directly into Dean's eyes, his heart skipping a beat at the small spark of hope he saw in those beautiful, green eyes. "I don't ever want to leave you."

"Y-you don't?" Dean hated how breathless his voice went. But he couldn't help it, at all.

Cas came up to him, taking the ex-Hunter's hands in his. "Never," he promised. "I'm finished up there. I'm here to stay, Dean. That is," he suddenly looked unsure, "If you'll have me."

Next thing Cas knew, he was encased in a warm hug from Dean. "Stay, Cas. Please stay."

Cas wound his own arms around Dean's torso. "I will."

XXX

Life had turned out good. Michael and Lucifer were still in the cage; Gabriel and Lydia visited from time to time, though Heaven kept them pretty busy; Adam was close to graduating college; Bobby was still running the phones for Hunters; Sam still Hunted, just not as often, and he didn't invite Dean along anymore; Gabriel kept popping in from time to time, keeping them all on their toes; Brianna, now Sam's fiancée, was living at the house with them all, and had taken to the Angels very warmly; Molly had to move away, but Adam was seeing a new girl, Emily; Dean and Cas were finally learning their way with each other, instead of burying their feelings deep inside. Cas even bought him the damn white cat Dean had wanted months ago. She wore a simple green collar that read: Luna Winchester.

And the best thing? God had brought back John and Mary.

Dean sat on the porch steps, head leaning against the railing, as he watched his mom and dad join in with the baseball game Sam and Adam had started. He smiled.

A hand gently landed on his shoulder, and he looked up. Cas pressed a gentle kiss to Dean's mouth, and pulled back to smile at him. "How are you today?"

Dean grinned at his Angel. "Better, now that you're here."

"I'm glad," Cas said, settling next to Dean, and leaning his head on the ex-Hunter's arm.

Dean snaked his arm around Cas's shoulders, drawing him in closer.

Yup. Life was good.

And about friggin time, too.

 **Holy crap, this thing was long! Took me over a friggin week to complete it! (TWELVE DAYS) 0.0 I had most of it written the first day, then kept adding on and editing each day after. Sheesh…never thought I had it in me to write such a long one-shot.**

 **Hope you guys enjoyed this! I know I had fun writing it, especially writing events the way I wanted them to go. Cas should never have opened Purgatory. I like how I changed it around, where the Leviathans never escaped into our world.**

 **I might write more one-shots like this in the future. Just depends on my frame of mind, and how busy I am.**

 **Allonsy,**

 **Eli**


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